Authentic.

This morning, I read a blog that was entirely based on authenticity. I think we all struggle with the balance of portraying to the world that we've got it all figured out, and striving to remain authentic. I'm here to tell you- my authentic self has been tugging at me for weeks.

Truth is, cancer blows!

It makes you question every fiber of your being- wanting to be honest about your emotions, while putting on a good show for everyone else. I had a day like this when mom was diagnosed the first time. I remember the thousands of questions that went through my head, as I listened to the doctors tell us about our reality. In an instant, my world was turned upside down. I'm feeling that again, today. The thought of losing my very best friend, haunts me on a daily basis. I question if I do enough for her- knowing that she never expects a thing from me. She loves me unconditionally, and my authentic self knows...that's no easy task! Having a mother going through this is hell- coupled with the torture of her circumstances in the past few years- it's a nightmare. When we found out that she relapsed, one of the first things she said was, "I can't catch a break"- and she's right. She's amazing, which goes without saying. So why on earth was she dealt these cards? I don't believe in coincidence, so I know there's a plan- and my head knows who's in charge- but my heart still hurts. I paint a good picture, because that's what mom wants. She never wanted any of this to be about sadness, so we divert from that at all cost. But it's days like today when my authentic self didn't just whisper- but came as a scream, in the form of a blog. I hide behind the picture until I can compose myself enough to get to the next day. But this is my attempt at being entirely authentic. The bad with the good. It's a picture I don't paint often enough.


M.