It was the year two-thousand...

I said that I would post pictures of our mama-daughter weekend last week but truth is...I forgot. Now I'm in Savannah, and the pictures are at home but I promise to post them as soon as I'm back in T-town. Instead, I have something else to tie you over. I know- you're elated.

As an English major I always sometimes recycle papers for different classes (you won't tell, right?). I tell you that to say that I'm not exactly sure when this was written because the date may or may not have been changed once or twice. NONETHELESS- I found this paper on my computer and wanted to share it with you while you wait for our precious memories to post.

Here goes...

"The day started just as any other day. It was early in September and classes were in full swing. I was living at home and taking classes at a community college to get my associates degree. I would drive forty-five minutes, both ways, to take a few morning classes and then head home for the rest of the day; except that this particular day, I only had one morning class because all of my other classes had been cancelled. I was excited to have the day to myself to enjoy some of the last days of summer. It was HOT, as summer often is in Georgia! Rolling my window down, I cruised the freeway and sang to the radio without a care in the world.

Never knowing that this would be the day that would change my life forever.

I pulled into the driveway to find both of my parents’ cars in the garage. “Strange,” I thought; but I disregarded the thought as I got out of my car and headed towards the house. As I opened the door to the kitchen, I saw both of my parents sitting at the kitchen table. The light that attached to the kitchen fan seemed to spotlight their faces as they looked towards me entering the doorway. My mother was visibly shaken. I sat down at the table wondering what could have possibly happened.

“What’s up?” I asked, as I sat down.

“A few weeks ago, I found a lump in my right breast and asked Dad to feel and see what he thought. He confirmed what I was already scared of. I had a large lump pushing out towards my armpit; and if I’m honest, I knew all along that I should have gone to see a doctor awhile back, but things like this don’t happen to people like me!”

My mom is a women’s health physician. She spends her days reading ultrasounds and making sense of biopsies. She never imagined she would be the one finding out that she had breast cancer.

I was in shock, completely emotionless as I sat there listening, like I was watching a movie rather than being part of my own reality.

“Okay,” I said. “So what’s the next step?”

My mom was so shaken that my dad had to speak for her.

“Well, we don’t know,” he said. “We went to the doctor today and they confirmed that it is breast cancer and not a benign tumor. We didn’t tell you girls when we first discovered it because we didn’t want there to be any reason to worry if the test came back negative.”

“You’re gonna be fine.” I hugged my mom as she started to sob uncontrollably. “We are a strong family and we’re gonna get through this. When do we find out what the next step is?” I asked.

“We told you today because we’re going to the cancer specialist tomorrow to find out the next step. Mandy is coming home tonight and we’re going to tell her too. Mom and I want all of us to be there tomorrow to talk to the doctor; we want you girls to be part of the next step.”

I sat at the table without much to say. In those few sentences, our lives were changed forever! A normal day had taken an abnormal twist in three words, “I have cancer.” While I understood the severity of our conversation, something kept me from being emotionally affected. Outside of normal circumstances, our family has never been affected by anything life altering. On this day, our typical life was turned upside down. And there I sat- emotionless.

The rest of the day was a blur. I went about the day with loads of questions, but no voice to convey my thoughts. My mind was racing faster than my mouth could talk-- did I even want to talk, anyway? As I spent the rest of that day alone, I tried to think of as many fond memories as I could, of my mom and me together. In that moment, time seemed to slip so quickly by that I wanted to make sure I was holding on to every memory of my mother.

The whole world stopped in an instant. I wanted time to myself to gather my thoughts and grieve for myself. We were only at the first phase, and I already felt like my mom had passed. This was going to be a long road.

The next day came and it was drastically different than the day before. While the initial shock kept me from feeling any emotion, this day had me engulfed in tears. The crisp morning brought a new sense of instability and loads of unanswered questions.

I wanted to be alone.
To sit in my bedroom and cry.
In my own silence.
In my own sadness.

I climbed into the car and we headed to see my mom’s cancer specialist. As we headed down the highway, I watched the trees pass me by. I felt as though the day was going in slow motion, as it seemed like there were months between our first discussion and today. I sat in silence, only responding to questions with a head gesture. My heart wanted to cry out, but my mouth couldn’t find the words.

As we entered the doctor’s office, it looked like any other waiting room. I walked passed waiting patients, and entered the small room that shelved reading material on what to expect after diagnosis. There were shelves upon shelves of pamphlets explaining every stage of breast cancer. I turned to walk out of the room as a top shelf caught my eye. As I looked up, I realized that there were wigs on the shelf. I quickly looked away and focused my attention back on the available information. As my sister and I stood silently in the small room, a rush came over me and I began to sob. The reality of our situation was here, looking me square in the face.

About that time, the nurse came to call our family back to the room.

“McDaniel?” she called.

My mind went from out of body, back to reality in an instance. It was like someone had flipped a switch and my feet were back on the ground. I walked behind my family as we followed the nurse back to our room. I found a place in the corner to sit where I could seemingly be alone. As I looked at the tiles on the floor, flashes of the brown and blonde wigs plagued my mind- and my eyes grew heavy with tears.

“Are you gonna be okay?” my mom asked, from the examining table.
I shook my head.

The doctor entered the room and introduced herself to our family. The meeting ensued with her explaining the necessary steps to treating my mom, while making sure we knew what to expect in the following months. Before she walked out of the door, she looked my way.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”
I shook my head.

“She’s had a hard time since we told her the news. She’s been crying all day, and hasn’t had much to say,” my mom responded.

“Well I hope after our meeting today, some questions have been answered. But understand that you will always have questions that no one else can answer for you, and that’s okay. Grieving for everyone is different, but it will get better overtime.”

I certainly hoped so."



- Now, if you'll excuse me...I've set aside today to stalk Paula Deen (did you know her home address is in the phonebook?!?) and see if I can't find one more yummy resturant to add to my list before we head home. I'll be back with pictures as soon as we get back- mom has a work pool party, this weekend, and I'm hoping to grab some good shots from that too! So be looking for lots of pictures- you'll feel like you were part of the fun!